Noel Gallagher Is a Twat

I know this because I know him. Here's how...

Years ago, when I was swinging in London, I snuck into the VIP area of the Astoria during a Soundtrack of Our Lives gig. The show sucked, but I saw Noel Gallagher lurking around, so it wasn't a total waste of time. Since I'm not one of those people that thinks I'm too cool to not acknowledge the famous person standing next to me, I knew I had to say something. All I could think of was "I lost my virginity to Champagne Supernova", which although a lie, was clearly a compliment. He didn't take it like that and snorted and walked away. Seriously, who does he think he is?

Another reason why Noel Gallagher is a twat is that he broke up Oasis today. Evidently he didn't like fighting with his brother, or having a cool job that people actually care about. I have a brother and I love fighting with him. Only twats can't fight with their bros.

F U Noel Gallagher! How dare you disrespect me and disrespect your duties to Rock. Go bang a spice girl and get gonorrhea.

- Tommy Blunt

What does it take to get a badass 3-story apartment in Tribeca?

Apparently, the magical equation is as follows:

Scientology + Hit Sitcom + Hot Fiance = BadAss Tribeca Apartment

I pondered these thoughts as I enjoyed drinking Heineken minikeg beer and smoking a one-hitter with friends on the rooftop lounge area of Danny Masterson's Tribeca apartment. Now, we all know that Tribeca isn't necessarily the coolest area of Manhattan, but it sure beats Murray Hill. But Danny Masterson is kind of a tool, even though Hyde was by far the coolest member of the 70s show gang. He's a fuckin Scientologist who Twitters non-stop. And, this luxury apartment did not give off rock-star cool vibes whatsoever. We had to be quiet, so as to not wake his mother. But damn, they are designing a badass patio-chill-area that was screaming for an alcohol-infused BBQ.

Disclaimer: Danny Masterson wasn't there at the time.

- Miss Chrissy

NEWS FLASH: Rock Princess Karen O Is Getting an Oscar!!!!

Wholly Awesome Batman!

Spike Jonze's new film, Where The Wild Things Are, will have a soundtrack composed by Rocktress Karen. Billed as Karen O and the Kids, the first single "All Is Love" will be released Aug 25. A whole bunch of 2003's croonies will also be on the record.

Since the film has Oscar buzz, and since it they've given them out to lesser musicians, there's no reason to assume anything other than that K.O. will kill a mic and then take that golden statue and shove it down her throat. (Karen, if you're reading, I've got an Oscar for you to snack on in the mean time)

- Tommy Blunt

For your audio pleasure...

Weezer, covering MGMT and throwing a little Poker Face in there. Enjoy.

- M.C.

Beach Ickyness...

Beaches are icky. Being on a beach without music and having to listen to screaming families is thump. But if your playlist is full of Jimmy buffet and Jack Johnson, you need some help. Here's what I'll be rocking to this weekend:

1) The Thrills "Don't Steal Our Sun"

2) Snoop Dogg "Gin and Juice"

3) The Strokes "Under Control"

4) Black Rebel Motorcycle "Screaming Gun"

5) The Vines "Sunshinin"

6) Jesus and Mary Chain "Happy When It Rains"

7) The Beatles "All You Need Is Love"

8) The Zutons "Railroad"

9) MGMT "Electric Feel"

10) Lou Reed "Perfect Day"

11) The Kinks "Wonderboy"

12) Donovan "Lazy Daze"

- Tommy Blunt

Del the Funky Homosapien at the Williamsburg Waterfront Show this Sunday

Del the Funky Homosapien is pretty badass, and he's never on the east coast. So let's check him out this weekend and determine his level of ickyness. Sample video below.

- M.C.

Gentlemen Broncos

From the people who brought us Napoleon Dynamite (let's choose to not remember Nacho Libre) comes the trailer for their new movie, Gentleman Broncos. Jemaine Clement + Jennifer Coolidge + Mike White = this movie should Rock. Check out the trailer.

The Thumpness of Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag (who looks like a horse) has been hyping her Playboy cover, but unfortunately the only pubes you'll see are on the beard of her husband. Dear Hugh Hefner, I know you're hurting now that Kendra got stuffed by black dude, but please get a clear head and remember that people buy your magazine to see pussy.

As if blue-balling the hef wasn't enough, Horsey Montag decided to become a pop star last week. She bought a song, hired a choreographer, and did the pistol dance on national television. We're not fans of pop music anyhow, but at least Britney understands the "sync" part of lipsyncing.

Heids, you will always be thump. Go pray for yourself.

RIP Les Paul

The Summer of Death has claimed another victim, Rock n Roll Pioneer Les Paul, at the age of 94. Paul died yesterday from complications from pneumonia in White Plains, NY. Les Paul is most famously known as the inventor of the electric guitar and multitrack recording. Rock n Roll would not be the same without this virtuoso, and IckyThump honors his achievements. Rock on, Les Paul.

How to Stay Icky in a Down Economy

The recession sucks.  That is, unless you haven't lost your job and are just enjoying the drink specials.  Either way, there's no excuse to not stay icky.  Here's my current advice. for the times.

1)  Wear Hane's tee-shirts for everything.  They're $10 for a pack of three, and you get to show your nipple, which is more effective than a brand name.  

2) Become a dealer.  Why not help spread the love?

3) Create a Second Life avatar that sells $5 hand jobs and charge virtual users real money for the experience. 

4)  Switch to PBR.

5) Move to Murray Hill.

6) Fake being Jewish and get a free vacation.

7) Sell "organic artisnal" $4 iced tea and lemonade to people in the Meat Packing District.

Once again, the VMAs will suck...

So the VMAs are a month away, and the set list is predictably unimpressive.  They've got:  Jay Z, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Green Day, P!nk, and Muse.  They all suck (some to more of a degree than others), and here's why, one-by-one.

Jay Z doesn't put on a good show.  I like his music, he's good at improving on stage, but all he does is stand and rap.  No movement.  No surprises.  No spontaneity.  No freak-outs.  You're cool Jigga, but give me a reason to watch instead of just listen.

Lady Gaga has overexposed her attention grabbing antics to the point that we don't pay attention.  She could shove a fisted dildo up her ass on stage and no one would blick.  She's over, unless she reinvents herself as Patti Smith...

Taylor Swift is a loser.  I bet she's a terrible bang too.  She's 18 and it's time she goes hip-hop.   

Green Day was my favorite band when I was 12.  I liked them again when I was 21.  Do they have a new album out now?  The only way they can put on a good show is if they play something from Dookie.  

P!nk.  She sounds good.  She's probably a good bang.  She's kinda smart.  But she's too clean to trust.  

Muse?  Okay, but MTV's token good rock band coulda been better.  What the fuck does Kings of Leon have to do to dominate.  5 years people!  5 whole fucking years, and they still don't have a big stage.  

Remember when MTV let Britney Spears perform while on crack?  I do, and I miss it. 

Gaga's Dick...

Rumors swirled around the internet today about whether Lady Gaga is or isn't a hermaphrodite.  Vagina sells!

I've searched the for Gaga crotch images and I have yet to find the now famous fictional penis.  Clearly this was a well staged publicity stunt.  If she doesn't have a dick, at least she has balls. 

A question I've thankfully never yet had to ask myself is: would I still fuck her if she had a penis?  

The answer:  Yes, if I'm drunk and horny.  Duh.  

What's a Hiatus and How Come I Don't Get One?...

I read that Strokes ringleader Julian Casablancas is coming out with solo album.  Okay cool, but why not another Strokes album instead?

Evidently the band is one "hiatus".  I don't know what this means exactly, but I'm hoping it at least involves extended hangovers and hammocks.   

But I'm confident they'll come back sooner rather than later.  A Strokes album still has the magic of being all you need to put on if you're caught with a sudden party and no readied playlist.

In the meantime, lets cheer the potential of a Julian action figure. 

Something I am excited about...

Modest Mouse's new video is coming out tomorrow, and it's been directed by the Joker himself.  Props to MM for predicting that Heath Ledger would die and make them famous again. 

I like to call the BullShit lever when I can, and we all know that we were all over Modest Mouse, and if Heath was still alive then we would think of the video as just another movie star vanity project, like Ethan Hawke's literary career.

But since he's dead, and like Van Gogh, worth more, we suddenly care and now Modest Mouse will have a hit video.  Rock on America!

Okay, I guess Heath was kinda cool when he was around.  Maybe not cool enough to party with me, but at least he did party.  And he did die like a rock star, so maybe we'll give him half the exalted cred. 

Dear God, No...

I have heard a rumor that Limp Bizkit is recording a new album.  Why?  Can't Obama do something to save us?  I need to hear another Limp Bizkit song like I need the clap.  

Why did Limp Bizkit ever even matter?  All I seem to remember of them is the image of a fat dude standing on top of a giant toilet.  Oh, and that George Michael cover.  Does that mean all Limp Bizkit fans secretly want to be George Michael fans? 

But it's not right to insult the handicapped, and Fred Durst clearly is burdened by a small dick (NSFW), so I'll stop bashing him... for now.  

- Tommy Blunt

Karen O, Bitch Parties

For Me, no one rocked All Points West harder than Karen O. She had the presence, the look, and the talent to totally rock out. And, judging by the assortment of drinks she had on stage with her, Bitch Parties. I like my rock stars to party.

I can't stop thinking about how fucking magical a collaboration between Jay Z and Karen O would have been. Lack of collaborations at APW = Thump.

Shout out to another Bitch who Parties, Mischa Barton, who made her return to the party scene after her recent stint in involuntary psychiatric hold at All Points West alongside DJ Daisy Lowe and Heatherette designer Richie Rich. Welcome back, Marissa Cooper, stay around and enjoy the party.

More APW related news soon,
Miss Chrissy

Day 2...

I'm proud to say I pissed my pants yesterday.  Pregaming lead to me arriving at the ferry only to realize I forgot my ticket.  Cabs and an hour later I missed Arctic Monkeys, but what evs.  

Crystal Castles proved that it's not necessary to have talent as long as you have a prerecorded bass line.  

Why would people pay for Tool?  Not getting it and don't want to.  I rocked to Ting Tings.

Sunset, City, and Karen O...

Anyone that matters was at All Points West yesterday.  Miss Chrissy and I rocked it to perfection.  Mud be damned.

Here's the official Icky and Thump list of first night:

Icky:

1) Jay Z's "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn"

2) Karen O

3) Karen O's killed Mic

4) Techno Tiki Huts

5) The Raven

6) Ferry ride over

7) Jay Z's shout outs

Thump:

1) The Mud

2) MCA's Tumor

3) $6 Pizza Slices

4) $10 Ponchos

5) People that wear $10 Ponchos

6) Ferry ride back

7) Unnecessarily far walk to ferry